Light Ahead: Schuyler DeBree

I first started playing soccer when I was about four or five. It became clear early on that I was naturally talented and that I loved the game. In my hometown recreational leagues, I played with guys, and it was valuable for me to be exposed to a more athletic group from a young age. I definitely made a few guys uncomfortable, but some of my best friends are the guys that I played with at that age. 

One thing that helped me throughout my soccer career was that I didn’t take myself too seriously. I moved around between clubs and stuck to teams that my friends were on. My parents always told me, ‘If it’s not fun, you shouldn’t be doing it.’ That idea has stayed with me, and it prevented me from burning out.

At first, Duke wasn’t really on my radar. In fact, I wanted to go to UNC, like most other girls who grow up wanting to play in college. But, I fell in love with Duke after my unofficial visit. The combination of athletics and academics made it a no-brainer. 

My favorite memories from my soccer career are from my Senior year at Duke. We were undefeated in the ACC regular season, and set numerous program records. The difference between my performance in the ACC Tournament Championship and in the NCAA Final Four games that year sticks out to me as being a defining part of my soccer career and mental health journey. 

In the ACC championship game I was so anxious that I couldn't even speak. As a center back, that's especially problematic because I'm supposed to be directing and organizing the team. We wound up losing 1-0 UNC. When we entered the NCAA tournament as a #1 seed, I was determined to make sure I could be the leader my team needed me to be. 

We reached the Final Four without a single goal allowed over the span of 4 games. To manage my anxiety before the game, I kept repeating to myself, ‘I'm so grateful to be here,’ over and over again until I couldn't think about anything else. During that game I did the things that define me as a player, really, really well and I had the best game of my career.

After 110 minutes, we were tied 0-0, but lost to UCLA in PK’s. I was obviously devastated because it meant my journey with my teammates, who I consider my family, was over. Everyone believed we could have won a national championship that year. But, I was also at peace knowing that I had done everything I could.

Shortly after the season, me and a few other teammates drove up to Philadelphia for the NWSL draft. All six of us got drafted, which is almost unheard of, because only 40 players get drafted in the whole country. 

I was drafted 11th overall by the Washington Spirit. Although the season started in March, I decided to stay for my senior spring at Duke, and join the team mid-season. Once I arrived in DC, my coach made it clear that the roster was full, and it would take me at least 2 weeks to earn a contract. Giving me a contract meant taking away someone else’s salary and livelihood. 

I thought that was more than fair. However, I also told my coach that if I was only going to be signed to temporary contracts for the rest of the season, I was going to leave and play abroad.

About two weeks later, he signed me to a part-time contract. I thought, ‘Awesome, this is my chance to prove myself… When this contract ends, he'll either put me on a full contract or I'll go abroad.’ My temporary contract ended a week later and my coach didn't say anything to me. I decided it was time to move things forward with AC Sparta, a club in the Czech Republic who was interested in signing me. A few days later, I walked into training and told my coach that I was going to play abroad. He said something along the lines of, ‘Oh, that's awkward. You have a full contract in your email inbox. So, I guess just delete it?’

The transition to living in Prague was hard. Post-college life is hard as it is, and adjusting to a foreign culture where all I had for structure was soccer was brutal. I found myself questioning the value of soccer because the training environment at Sparta was less professional than it was at Duke, and we were making close to no money. 

Eventually I got into a better rhythm, largely thanks to having my best friend from Duke, Ashton Miller, playing and living with me. We played against Ajax in the Champions League, which was an amazing life experience. I went to the Nordic Cup in Norway, which is a USWNT U23 event, and started and played 90 minutes in all 3 games. 

In the second half of the season in Prague, I went to another U23 event in Portland, and again performed well. I started working remotely and part-time in a variety of sustainability-related roles, along with taking on a job at a local teahouse. Soccer was great with AC Sparta too. We went undefeated in the Czech regular season, and clinched a “Double” after winning the national tournament as well. I was playing confidently and starting every game at outside back in a 3-back system. 

As my time at Sparta was coming to a close, I signed a year and a half contract with the Reign FC, based out of Tacoma, WA. I got to Tacoma in mid-July excited to be challenged, work hard, and get better. It felt like I'd finally made it as a professional player. The NWSL is considered to be the strongest league top-to-bottom globally, and I was surrounded by some of the best players in the world. 

The quality of life was fantastic. On our off days, we would drive an hour to the most beautiful hikes I've ever been on. I was still working part-time in sustainability-focused roles that I was incredibly passionate about. I was also there with Quinny, one of my best friends from Duke, who also plays for the Canadian National team. It felt too good to be true, and I think I was clutching too tightly to how perfect it was all ‘supposed’ to be. 

In terms of play-time, my expectations were low. I did not expect to play in a single game or even make a game roster for the 2019 season. However, I had never experienced being one of the worst players on a team. I had never experienced the feeling that I was bringing the level of training down, which was especially hard to deal with while playing next to stars like Megan Rapinoe and Allie Long. All I wanted to do was to make my team better, and to have them respect me as a player and a person. I didn’t have the coping mechanisms to process the self-doubt that began building up. 

I was working hard, doing extra training sessions, and my coaches were validating and supportive. They told me I was performing well, and I made our travel roster for our games against SkyBlue and the NC Courage. Then, I went to another U23 Nordic Cup, this time in England. I didn’t start a single game, and played about 60 minutes across the 3 games. It felt like the final blow to my remaining self-confidence. Once I got back to Tacoma, the next month was a slow downward spiral. 

My self-doubt about soccer became increasingly irrational and then that self-doubt expanded to other aspects of my life – my relationships, my intelligence, my character, and my purpose. Every insecurity I've ever had, plus a few new ones, all popped up. Then, OCD kicked in, and it became all I could think about.

I couldn't focus on what cone to move to next in passing patterns. I couldn't focus on making myself dinner, or holding conversations. I stopped sleeping. I slowly lost the ability to function in day-to-day life because I was so distracted by these irrational and negative thoughts. Some of the negative thoughts had rational parts to them, which made it especially difficult to parse through.

Externally, everything was going right. My family and friends were healthy and happy. Everyone in my life was supportive and loving. I was physically healthy. I had nothing to point to for why I was suddenly depressed, and losing the ability to function, which made the cycle of self-loathing worse. 

It got to the point where my thoughts became more violent. One day I told my parents that I was afraid that I was going to die or kill myself. My Dad flew out to Seattle the next day. I told my coach I needed to go home. The team physician gave me a prescription for Lexapro, and my dad and I drove home to New Jersey. 

When I got home it wasn’t like everything was magically fine. I was so embarrassed by the fact that I had left the Reign. I had been planning on playing soccer for the next two or three years and suddenly, I couldn't even look at a soccer ball.

I spent the next three months at home in New Jersey, and then five months in Chapel Hill, North Carolina with my uncle. The whole time, I was dysfunctional and suicidal. 

My uncle is largely responsible for bringing me out of the dark headspace I was in. One of the most important things that my uncle did for me was to emotionally disconnect from my suffering. Part of the reason that I wasn't getting any better at home was because both my parents are very empathetic people. I would see the pain that I was feeling, and causing, reflected back in their faces. 

The other important thing that my uncle was able to do for me, was to question the mental narratives that I had constructed. One of the main irrational thoughts I was having was that I was incapable of everything. My uncle owns a deli and wine bar in Chapel Hill, which runs on a software platform that he developed. He taught me to code in the ionic stack with CSS, JS, and HTML, and I helped him redevelop the software within a few weeks of learning how to program. 

Being able to do something challenging and meaningful was so powerful. Every day I woke up and knew that I had to do X, Y, & Z to attain a larger goal, which was going to help someone I loved. It gave my brain a break from thinking about suicide and I started to feel like my life had value again. It was a form of rest from all of the mental exhaustion and trauma that my mind was inflicting on itself.

When COVID hit, I decided I should probably apply to graduate school. I was accepted into the Gilling’s School of Public Health at UNC in their Environmental Science and Engineering Department. Again, having a goal and purpose helped refocus and eventually rewire my brain, along with the help of antidepressants. 

I am now the happiest I have ever been. 

My advice for other people who have a similar disposition to my own, is to be kinder and more gentle to yourself. I think that a lot of times we look around and see that another person has it worse than we do, and immediately let that comparison invalidate whatever we are going through. We think, ‘my problems aren't big enough to warrant a therapist or medication... I should be happy.... I don't deserve to go do yoga or relax or socialize because I haven't earned it.’ But at the end of the day, those rules we set for ourselves are arbitrary. We are the only ones that can define our own happiness, and truly take care of ourselves. 

There is a higher level of wellbeing that we can all attain. I hope that you, and our culture as a whole, will start to prioritize self-care and normalize self-love. We need to recognize our connectedness and interdependence, and that when we give love to ourselves, we are in turn giving love to those around us more effortlessly.

Thank you to my amazing support system who got me through this dark chapter of my life. I am so happy to still be here, and to be able to share my story with others. 

If you are in a dark chapter yourself, I want you to know that you are loved, and that your next chapter will be lighter. Hang on, and remember that you deserve to feel loved and whole.